


Ratbag the Namer

by jtsbbsps_dk



Category: Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor (Video Game), Middle-earth: Shadow of War
Genre: Crack, Gen, I'm Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-19
Updated: 2017-10-19
Packaged: 2019-01-20 00:27:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12421290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jtsbbsps_dk/pseuds/jtsbbsps_dk
Summary: An unforseen complication.





	Ratbag the Namer

**Author's Note:**

> I had a really silly idea. Apologies.

If Talion had to be honest, this entire mess with Brûz had got a little too drawn out. Blast his cursed BAM – POOF cloud of vanishing smoke. But it was in the past now, as Brûz’s massive Olog body lay fallen before him. His head lay a few metres away, seeping Olog blood into the grass beneath.

Celebrimbor wrinkled his scarred nose. “One of the worse smells of Mordor, which is a not unimpressive feat.”

Talion sighed and summoned worth the wraith bow, shooting an arrow over Ratbag’s shoulder, opening the massive cage where Brûz had sequestered Ranger.

“Ranger!” exclaimed Ratbag. “There you are! Oh boy, have I missed you and your big shoulders to sit on.”

The massive Olog shuffled his way out of the cage and cast a quick look from Ratbag to Talion to Brûz’s corpse and back again to Ratbag.

“Now I’ve saved your hide twice,” Ratbag continued, while he shuffled his way up the Olog’s leg to perch on his shoulder. “Aren’t you glad we met?”

Ranger simply grunted, but to Talion his eyes seemed to glow with a certain flavour of _Oh no, now I owe him my life. Twice._ He could sympathise. Having Ratbag by his ear for hours on end, day in and day out… He could feel the wraith revolt at the mere thought.

_As if your incessant nagging is much better_.

“Now, Orc,” Celebrimbor interrupted the train of thought violently, commanding use of Talion’s vocal cords. “We have found your pet,” Ranger grunted again, “and taken our vengeance. Return to our Fortress in Nurnén – and take his head with you. Display it proudly, and let that be a warning to any allies with treacherous thoughts!”

Ratbag rubbed his hands together in ill-contained glee. “Good call that, Ranger. How about we spike it riiight in front of our bedroom window, whatcha say, Ranger, would improve the view, would it not?”

Ranger rolled his eyes, but proceeded to pick up the decapitated head.

“Now thanks for the assist, Ranger, much appreciated, and I’m sure Ranger feels the same. We’ll take good care of your fortress, the two of us will, won’t we, Ranger?”

“You better, Orc, or you know what happens,” Talion gestured to the head with his sword.

“Riiight. Well, off we are, Ranger, and thanks for this round of teamwork, Ranger, until next…”

Talion had already turned his back to them and started summoning his dire caragor.

“Wait!” exclaimed Ratbag.

“WHAT?!” The combined force of Talion’s and Celebrimbor’s voices stunned Ratbag for a second. He shook his head.

“I’mma have just realised a problem here, you see. You’re called Ranger. And _he’s_ called Ranger,” Ratbag stomped a foot on the shoulder he was standing on. “It’s bound to get confusing in the long run, don’tcha think?”

Talion had never been so proud of Celebrimbor’s self-restraint. One must choose one’s battles, especially when one wasn’t short on battles to begin with.

“Just call me…”

“BRIGHT LORD!” / “Talion.”

Talion froze in confusion. They’d never tried speaking at the same time before, and it had been a highly disconcerting experience.

Ratbag looked at them as if he had never seen anything stranger. Talion firmly tucked the moment away into the Top 10 Most Embarrassing Mordor Moments corner in his mind. Right next to that first time with Mug and his hammer.

“Erm…” started Ratbag tentatively. “Sure thing, Sir Boss Man Bright Lord Talion. Will do,” and then lower, into the orc ear next to him, “let’s just go home now, don’t you think?”

Talion sighed and mounted his caragor. He had a meeting with Eltariel to get to.

\- Two Weeks Later -

“Hey, my man, good to see you back defending the fortress, Bright Lord Talion, some questionable warchiefs you promoted there, but they did their job, and I’m sure the Bright Lord Talion would know better than little Ratbag in these matters,” he paused briefly. “This name is really getting too long and bothersome, I’m just gonna call you BLT from now on. That’ll work, right, BLT? Now, for some reason I’m feeling a bit peckish, so I’m gonna head to the kitchen and get some grog. You want one? Oh right, you don’t eat, I forget myself, see you around.”

Talion started counting _calmly_ to three. It didn’t work. Thankfully, he had a massive battle to blame it on, if the Nurnén Overlord started asking about why he suddenly had massive cracks and a not insignificant hammer indentation to repair in his throne room floor.


End file.
